The Pain of Not Knowing My Son After Divorce

I never know when it's going to happen. I may be having a great day walking down the street and I see a little olive skinned boy and suddenly I am looking at a dark haired little boy that looks like what my son looked like at that age. Most times I will just smile at the little boy and say hello to his mum. Sometimes I will just walk by with a smile, but sometimes tears form in my eyes and I am crying again.

On the 17th of May 2007, my son will be sixteen years of age and that will be eight years since I have seen him, since my ex wife re- married and cut me out of my son's life. Half his life has gone by and I haven't seen him and girls and guys it hurts a grieving father a lot.

I was waiting for a bus about three months ago and struck up a conversation with a guy and a girl who were boyfriend and girl friend. I had asked them all about school and the subject they were doing and which ones they liked and did well at and which ones they didn't like. I asked the boy was this the girl he wanted to marry and he told me with a big grin that she was and she smiled and told me that they had often talked about it and were just waiting for a suitable age. I asked them how old they were and they said sixteen.

I was going to say I had a son that age but held back as most times I speak about my son tears come into my eyes and I didn't want to spoil the moment. We chatted all the way on the bus to where they got off and they waved when they got off the bus pleased to have met me. I thought to myself how great it would be to have a conversation with my son instead of talking to strangers.

Oh women out there can I please plead with you, try and let the fathers see their children. I know you have had some fights and some pain with a divorce and the pain before that happened, but oh the tears us fathers cry on those days like father's day and Christmas and Easter and birthdays and on days we see a little boy that so much like our own when they were in our lives.

My eyes pour with tears and my heart is like this big breathing sponge pumping all these tears out of my eyes. I cannot get words to convey the pain I feel when I think of my son and how I miss him so.

It gives me insight into how God the Father in heaven felt when His Son Jesus left heaven to come to earth and all those years before his Son was able to communicate two way with Him in heaven. Oh it must have hurt God that Father seeing his Son leave the perfection and the love of heaven to come to such a messed up evil world as ours and then to see His Son beaten and hung on a cross, I just cannot fathom it in all it's full measure.

Mothers your husbands and the fathers of your little girls and your little boys love them just as you do. Sure the law might make them only be allowed to see their children two days out of fourteen which I think is a bit of injustice, yet it does not mean they love them one seventh as much as you. Some people would assume the motherly instinct is ten times that of a father, but take a wife and children of many males and you've taken away their will to continue going on and many fight thoughts of suicide appear.

I three times gave up on life and planned to kill myself. The pain seems unbearable losing the wife you love and your child, and three times people that loved me had to save me by talking me around.

I beg of you fathers, stay in your child's life if it is possible and I beg of you mothers don't use your custody of your child like a weapon against the man who fathered your children. I have no idea what my former wife has been saying to my son all these years. I pray that she has been positive.

Today as I cried for my son, I thought I would do some good and type some words out of my pain.

Be Blessed.

Love Matthew

If you have enjoyed my article you can read the book "The parables of Jesus made simple" for free here in its entirety or just selected parables in chapters at http://www.parables-of-jesus-christ.net/ The book will be published in book form in January 2011