Divorce: Remember, Your Kids Are Watching How You Act

Copyright (c) 2010 Lucille Uttermohlen

Remember, your kids are watching. They see how you are handling things, and they understand that that is the way to do it. This is great if you are always showing them good habits, but it can be destructive if you forget what they are taking away from your actions.

In divorce, it is far too easy to blame all of the bad things on the other person. Your kids watch you react to your ex-spouse, and assume that you are teaching them something they should understand. In the worst case situation, they learn to hate their other parent. Their attitudes aren't formed by anything she did, but from the constant exposure to your bad opinion.

Think of this. You want to do something silly. It isn't anything bad, just a little goofy. You know your friends and family will give you a hard time if they find out you did it. Even with the teasing, you still want to do it, and would go ahead if you knew you wouldn't be caught. . You avoid doing it, though, because your friends have succeeded in making you feel like a fool for even thinking about it.

Now, imagine that the bad opinion you fear is coming from someone you depend on. What if it is your boss who expresses an opinion that only an idiot would do what you are thinking about. . There is no way you can do it without his knowledge, so you either have to take the chance that he will call you an idiot, or in the worse case situation, fire you.

Your kids are as dependent on your good opinion as you would be on your boss in the above example. If you convince them that their other parent is a jerk, they'll adopt your attitude just so you'll approve of them. They may love her. They may still want to visit. However, they know they will be with you most of the time, and will say and act in ways that they hope will encourage your good feelings and love. They will stifle their positive feelings towards their other parent because your negative feelings make them feel guilty for not hating him.

Imagine that your two best friends got into a fight. Not only are they angry and disappointed with each other, they each demand that you take sides. If you continue your relationship with one, you alienate the other. You love them both, and just wish they would make peace.

Your children are in that situation. Unless one parent is particularly cruel or violent, your kids want to love both of you. They may feel like they have to resort to hiding their true feelings from each of you just to keep the peace.

When they are with Dad, they say what he wants to hear. Mom is treated to a different version of behavior so that she won't be unhappy, either. The child can't help but conclude that his feelings must not be important. If they were, he would be free to be open and honest with both parents. Now, he knows he is supposed to take sides. That is a lot to ask when you love both contestants.

Not only will the child have to negotiate her feelings about her parents, but she will carry her parents attitudes into the greater world. She will learn not to do things because they are right, and make her feel stronger. She will be afraid that acknowledging her truth may result in rejection, disappointment or even anger from those whose good opinion she wants to keep.

It isn't fair, either to the other parent or to the child to impose your conflicted emotions on him. We all have a right to meet the world on our own terms. Hopefully, we can count on our parents to give us the tools we need to do it.


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Going through a divorce can be scary. Even your attorney can't take the time to answer all of your questions and concerns. http://www.couple-or-not.com is an easy to use resource for all your divorce questions. If your answer isn't there, write to Lucille Uttermohlen at lucille@couple-or-not.com to get your answers.