Child Custody: When Should I Ask for a Change?

Copyright (c) 2010 Lucille Uttermohlen

There are things you should think about before going after custody modification. Too many times, people ask the court to change custody of a child, and only end up frustrated and broke for their efforts. Here are some questions you should ask before you proceed.

1. How long has it been since your divorce?

If your divorce was recent, it is unlikely the court will change its previous order. Unless the custodial parent has done something terrible, like commit a crime, it is doubtful that the judge will find the kind of change in the child's situation he / she must find to order the child to live elsewhere.

Even if the custodial parent has broken the law, it may not be enough to convince the court that the child would be better off with the other parent. If, for instance, the other parent committed his / her first DUI on a weekend when the kids were gone for visitation, the court may not feel s/he put them in any danger, and hence may not make them move. The same would be true if the custodial parent was arrested for writing a bad check, or forgetting to pay a speeding ticket.

2. Why do you think the child should live with you?

You may not be happy that the child has to share a bed room with a step-brother or sister. You may find your ex's significant other to be an obnoxious creep. You may not approve of the movies your ex lets your child watch, or the religious training your child is or isn't receiving.

These things can all be frustrating to a parent who is forced to watch the child's life on an every other weekend basis. It is only natural to want your child to grow up with the same values you have, and it is aggravating, sometimes scary to see that he / she is not getting the training you think is important.

Unfortunately, a judge doesn't have the authority to act in some situations, even if he / she agrees with you. The child's best interests aren't based on whether one of the parents has better ideas or morals. It is focused on the child's needs at the time the decision is made. The parent who has provided more physical care to the child usually has a leg up in a custody decision. Unless the actual care of the child is suffering, the court cannot justify moving the child to a new home, just because that home may boast an environment the court finds more appealing.

3. Who wants the custody change?

In too many situations, it is the child who gets the custody modification ball rolling. He / she complains to the other parent about something in the custodial home, and asks to live with the non-custodial parent. Sometimes, the child's complaints are legitimate. Being forced to live with a step-sibling the child can't stand or deal with the custodial parent's 4th or 5th significant other can be damaging to a child's sense of security. However, you should still be careful before deciding to invest the time and money in a custody fight.

Make sure that the child is telling you the whole story. He / she may have had a disagreement with a step-brother or sister with whom he / she is usually close. The 4th or 5th significant other may be an exaggeration or even a figment of the child's imagination.

It may not be pleasant, but talk to your ex before deciding what to do. In a non-confrontational manner, let him / her know what the child has been saying, and ask him / her to shed any light he / she can on the complaint. After all, you don't want to invest in a custody modification hearing if the kid doesn't have a legitimate gripe. Being used is being used, whether it is by a business partner with less than stellar morals, or by a child whose current disagreements with his mother or father may be inspiring him / her to take an opportunity to get even by playing on your natural sympathies.


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For good clear information about divorce issues, visit Lucille Uttermohlen at http://www.couple-or-not.com Send your legal and relationship questions to lucille@utter-law.com for a quick, thorough response.