Divorce And The Children
By: Roger Fischer | Posted: 29th June 2011
Children face an array of emotions once find out their parents are getting a divorce. It's no different from what the grownups feel yet they may not have all of the details. This can end up in children blaming themselves for the divorce. They'll remember all of the times their parents had a clash over them and feel it's their own fault.
Many couples decide not to get a divorce no matter what simply for the sake of their children. They want to break free and to start a new life but they don’t. Years later, they may regret doing this and realise that staying in the marriage for their children's sake was a big mistake for all concerned. They certainly weren’t happy and chances are everyone in the household was suffering because of what was going on emotionally.
The level of damage that is going on currently for many children stemming from marriage problems needs to be addressed. These children are seriously affected by all the abuse they see, whether it be verbal, emotional or the worst of all, physical abuse. In many cases, the children will see controlling behaviours such as affection or money being withheld so that one spouse can exert control over the other. Not one of these concerns are good for children and there is little doubt experiencing all this will leave indelible psychological scars from this extremely unhappy period of their life.
It is the emotional state of children that often keeps people in a marriage when they want out though. They have heard all the horror stories about children with trust issues and relationship issues because of their parents being divorced. In many cases it wasn't their parents getting divorced that triggered the problems but something different. The fact is, it's often as a result of what actually transpired before, during, and after the divorce.
The factors that often result in the most problems are seeing all the negative things that happen before the actual divorce. Seeing your parents call each other nasty names or throwing stuff around and fighting aren't the sort of things that a child is likely to forget. Obviously there are bound to be many difficult times when going through a divorce but the main thing is do everything you can stop your children from seeing them.
Listen, children are not stupid. It's inevitable they'll observe all the hostility that is there between you and your spouse. They are going to be right there in the middle of things if there is still a lot of unresolved conflict going on. You can be sure that it will be pretty upsetting for them to see such conflict happening right before their very eyes. Thankfully, with the right approach you can go through a divorce and still have a decent relationship with your children afterwards. It's possible to be able to both band together as a married couple to try and do what's good for your children.
Provided that you can figure out the details of the divorce so that the children are well cared for it will prevent them from being damaged. Messy divorces where each spouse is blaming the other and getting the children in the middle of it aren’t going to benefit anyone at all. Never say hurtful things about your ex in front of your children. When all is said and done, that person is still their parent and still someone they probably love and respect.
It's important that you attempt to talk to your children from their point of view about the divorce. Let them have some control over the direction those conversations take. They may have important questions to ask about the divorce which you need to answer honestly. It is alright to let them see your emotions during the divorce too. Just make sure you reassure them that everything is going to be fine. Provided that they feel loved and protected they will be able to get through the divorce without ongoing problems.
You won’t be scarring your children if you do end up divorced. However, you have to be aware of how the divorce might affect them. You want to know what to expect so you can be there to meet the needs of your children. It's important that they know they can turn to either parent for anything they need. You also need to think carefully before you do anything as to how it will affect your children. Make sure you are fully aware of how they will influence your children.
There are plenty of well adjusted adults out there in our society that do have parents that divorced. They will be the first to tell you that the situation was for the better for everyone involved. If you are thinking about getting a divorce that is good to know because the decision to divorce is not the easiest thing in the world. Yet if it is the right decision for your family then you just need to put the needs of your children first.About the Author
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Tags: sake, array, emotions, doubt, couples, big mistake, horror stories, marriage, emotional state, affection, clash, marriage problems, physical abuse, getting a divorce, household, relationship issues, grownups, trust issues